Saturday, August 14, 2010

“There are two mistakes one can make along the road to truth...not going all the way, and not starting.” (Buddha)





Beginnings are a challenge for me. Too often I have been overwhelmed by the scope of a project, the potential for failure, the imagined criticism of others and allowed myself to remain frozen at that first step, first brush stroke, first word typed. The ultimate experience of this came as I was anticipating the birth of my daughter. I sat in my very touchy-feel-y, super-supportive childbirth preparation class tasked with creating an image of my greatest fear about birth. In an instant I realized that birth was not the thing I feared. Not the pain, the power of it, the helplessness to a process beyond my control-- no, that was purely physical, that I could handle. Instead I had a moment of utter panic as I realized that my deepest fear was of failing at motherhood, the ultimate project, the one that will last the rest of my life. A thousand scenarios played out in my head, a hundred thousand doubts followed.

Besides mothering my other role in life is as a teacher of Vedic meditation. I teach people a practice designed to provide experiences of deep inner rest in order to better prepare them to adapt with grace to all the pressures of everyday life-- in other words to decompress daily to allow for a more present, moment-by-moment awareness of each day. As each day for me is also a practice to live what I teach I was humbled by the depth of the fear that I felt in awaiting my daughter's arrival.

While I can't say it has disappeared completely, in the 106 days since Little One's arrival, that fear has subsided. An infant is the purest picture of in-the-moment awareness. She may wail as though her heart is broken in one instant and beam the brightest smile in the next. To take it all in does not allow too much time for worry for the future or regret of the past.

My intention for this blog is to share some of what I am learning, to stay focused on the process of mothering, teaching, learning, creating and to have an ongoing discussion with all who share this path.

7 comments:

  1. I love you Angie, I'm so glad you're doing this. I really look forward to your writing.

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  2. Thanks for reading Stef and for writing the first comment! I love you too and am grateful for your support:)

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  3. Angel, I had such a great "pumping" session while reading this. Also I got inspired to put down on the screen some of my thoughts too.:))
    So, you got one more follower, and her little one is also following you too! :D

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  4. Thank you lovely Sashka! I tried to call you earlier... would love to see you and the babe as soon as possible- let me know when you are free!

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  5. sissy you are an amazing mother, sassy is lucky to have you. love you

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  6. Angie, you're so great! I <3 you! And I'm so glad you're putting down your thoughts for me to read from this distance! I miss sitting around, you, saskia, ava and me, talking for hours about motherhood and ice cream making, baking and our lives... This helps me feel a little more connected... I can hear your voice :) and read all the good things you have to say! You're such a great mom. Xo

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