9 Months!

Dear Little One,

From here...

To Here!

You have now officially lived in the outside world as long as you lived within me. In just 18 months you've been: a little bitty ball of cells; an alien tadpole with a tail; a flutter-y feeling in my belly; a somersaulting under-water gymnast; a brave diver from the cramped darkness to the wide-open unknown outside; a funny little creature with strong lungs and a powerful voice; a world-class babbler and perfect-postured sitter; an all-night nursing gourmand; an adventurous taster of new foods and player of peek-a-boo; an expressive communicator, infectious giggler, flirtatious comedienne, and authoritative baby-language lecturer; an adaptable traveler and serious scooter; a teacher of pure joy and patience and perfect love.

I'm pretty impressed. I think these are all signs of even greater things to come, but I don't want to be distracted by that, even if the daydreams are nice. There's too much to soak in right now, because among your many skills and powers you are also, somehow, a time-speeding sorceress-- it is all moving too fast.

Cozy Corner

When I was a little girl, like most children I suppose, I loved building forts and creating secret spaces for play and hiding. They never required much room, in fact smaller was better, more suited to my scale. Whether it was a tent made from a table and tablecloth, or a sheet strung over a clothesline between a few trees, these spaces made every activity seem more exciting, magical somehow. My Little One may be a few years off from such adventures, but I was inspired by a friend who created an adorable little nook for her daughter for reading stories, cuddling, and playing, and decided to get a head start.

 I started with a small alcove-like space beside our fireplace. I had a few large pillows on hand and a ridiculous amount of gold silk fabric that I'd been given by a fashion designer friend. A bit of simple sewing and the pillows looked quite regal. Some old curtains were strung on a bit of twine for the "walls," a couple soft sheepskins spread on the floor, and of course, favorite toys tucked in.

For finishing touches I made a small mobile by stringing some origami cranes (which I'd always wanted to learn how to make and finally did thanks to these excellent instructions) on thread and a garland out of stars I cut from some pretty paper I had in my collage bin.

It's a work in progress-- I'd love to add some kid-level bookshelves to display favorite books and perhaps change the decorations to complement the season (the garland was fun to make and I have a bunch of ideas for others)-- but I think Little One is pretty content with her cozy corner for the moment.

Manic Monday

The last few days have a been a bit of a jumble. Little One is (I think) starting to teethe, or at least going through an especially tumultuous growth spurt. She continues to be a delight during the day (albeit a very drool-y, finger-gnawing one!) but during the night she thrashes around, escapes her swaddling (or baby straight-jacket as we've taken to calling it) and cries or whimpers at least every hour. For the most part she sleeps right through all of this activity, but I, unfortunately, cannot say the same. All this is to say that my brain is not cooperating with coming up with a cohesive post for this evening, so I thought I'd go with a little list of things I'm thinking about in my sleep-deprived state...

I borrowed this image from the recipe's site- my batch did not last long enough to take a picture

Cupcakes: I made a batch of these coconut heath bar bits of divinity yesterday for our group meditation. They were quite possibly the most delicious things I've ever made (if I do say so myself). I recommend trying them out next time you have a sweet craving (I topped them with this super easy chocolate buttercream just to really go overboard).

I loved Jan Brett's books when I was a child- does that excuse stealing this image?

Town vs. Country: I've been feeling torn recently between the vibrant activity and diverse possibility of city life (where we're at now) and the slowed down pace and connection to the natural world of more rural environs (where I'm from). I'm constantly weighing the benefits and drawbacks of both for our family and what I want Little One to be exposed to. No decisions are being made just yet, but the questions are definitely brewing...

Women in the Veda: This has been a longstanding area of interest for me (really the role of women in all spiritual and religious traditions), but my upcoming retreat has me fully enmeshed in research of this particular vein. My Sourcebook in Indian Philosophy by the brilliant Sarvepalli Radhakrishnan and Charles A. Moore arrived recently and has occupied every spare moment I have to sit down with a book. I'm discovering an interesting mix of (seemingly conflicting at times) ideals and ideologies that have got my mind spinning (though a bit slower than usual!).

Art-making with children: Before dedicating myself to teaching meditation I worked in an arts enrichment program teaching visual art, drama, and yoga to elementary school students. I loved it and look forward to creating art with Little One and her friends as soon as possible. I've been especially inspired since discovering The Artful Parent (I think I've read nearly every post while nursing recently! Such a beautiful process-oriented approach and projects for even the very young have me so excited to introduce Little One to the world of creating that I so love (and starting a toddler art group!).

Of course, for me this also brings up the many (many many many) projects I have begun personally... Rather than feeling frustration or regret though (as has been the norm at times) I'm actually feeling inspiration more than anything. I know I can't take on or finish everything, but that that little spark of creative energy is still there in this somewhat exhausted state is quite reassuring. That spark is what I'll be relying on to get me to the next post here!

"It is art that makes life, makes interest, makes importance... and I know of no substitute whatever for the force and beauty of its process." Henry James

I've always  been a dedicated and passionate reader. My connection to the characters and events in books and their authors has, at times, surpassed my connection to the more immediate world around me. As a child, peers mocked me as I read constantly-- at lunch, on the playground, on the bus, under my desk if the teacher's lesson did not hold my interest. Fortunately with my nose buried in another world I was blissfully unaware of the scorn.  In that magical time of freedom, possibility, and ignorance of the judgement of others I fancied myself quite the writer and artist-- in fact, I outlined my future careers as a trifecta of A's: I would be a successful Actress and Artist in my youth, then as I aged become an Author, recounting the stories of my eccentric and interesting life.

This was how it was until the hyper-awareness of adolescence set in. As it tends to do, puberty and all its awkwardness struck with a force for which I was unprepared. Confidence, arrogance even, in my abilities gave way to supreme doubt and the desire to blend in. Where once I was eager to show off my creative endeavors, I withdrew deeply, harshly judging myself and what had come to seem silly projects and aspirations. I went so far as to destroy stories I had written and paintings I had completed (a practice not at all without precedent it seems) so embarrassed was I by their juvenile nature. Where before this phase the books I read inspired me to create my own, during, and for a long time after, they became imposing and untouchable monoliths. Each writer whose voice I treasured, every story in which I became invested, convinced me further that everything I had to say had already been said, and much more eloquently, by the masters I most admired.

This blog as I've mentioned is my attempt to maintain joy in the process- of living, mothering, and yes, finally, writing. I became a bit distracted yesterday (you'll notice there was no new post) as I got wrapped up in reading other blogs I like and researching some new ones. Old doubts and comparisons filled my head- this one looks prettier, this one is funnier, this one has 10,000 readers...

Fortunately, through the practice of meditation, I've learned, slowly, to step outside these habituated patterns of self-critical thinking. Mothering, as well, has given me the opportunity to think often about the practices and perspectives I want to model for my daughter. I thought about the way I will counsel her when she comes to me someday with the same self-doubt I was experiencing. Of course I will offer nothing but encouragement and the advice to let go of comparisons for the sake of the process of creating-- and I realized, if I want her to take me seriously (or better, to not have to go through that kind of self-doubt) I have to live what I speak. So after a day of inner conflict, re-inspired, re-committed, I am back and aim to continue on for the sake of the process once again...

Magic Number

Little One is 108 days old today! I'm not typically one to go in for numerology and the like (or counting days for that matter), but the number 108 and its significance to so many traditions and belief systems has always fascinated me. I was familiar with a few of the allusions to the number in Vedic traditions-- for example: there is a belief that each individual has a spiritual family of 108 other individuals; the Upanishads, Sanskrit stories and philosophical texts on the nature of existence and consciousness, are often numbered at 108; there are 108 beads on the mala, or prayer beads, used in various eastern faiths. Also, 108 figured often in the wild puzzle and madness that was Lost. I did a bit more research for this post and discovered that:

*The distance between the Earth and moon is 108 times the diameter of the moon and the distance between Earth and the sun is 108 times the diameter of the sun.

*In Hinduism each deity is believed to have 108 names.

Map of Ayurvedic marmas

*In Tibetan Buddhism there are believed to be 108 obstacles, or impurities, to be overcome on the path to nirvana.

*In Ayurvedic medicine there are 108 marmas, or vital points, on the body.

*108 suitors covet the wife of Odysseus, Penelope, in Homer's Odyssey.

*A baseball has 108 stitches.

 *In 1961, Yuri Gagarin, the first man is space, completed an orbit of the earth in 108 minutes.

*108 is a Harshad number- a number that is divisible by the sum of its digits. Harshad comes from the Sanskrit word for "great joy."

So I don't know exactly what all of this means, but the nerd in me loves finding patterns and coincidences. Also, in spending far too much time thinking about this one number I realized that at 108 days out in the world, Little One is almost exactly one year from the date she would have been conceived! Harshad indeed!